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Could someone slap me?
2 min read
Guys. Only three more days of student teaching... not for me, but for my former classmates. I need someone to slap me and shake me and knock sense into me!
Why am I beating myself up? I quit student teaching in November because I was physically ill and mentally ill over it. I was fucking miserable! Now I have a great job, with great coworkers, decent hourly pay, and great kids to work with. I have a house, a husband, and a running car... what else could I want? I get to have fun with kids 5 days a week and not have 12 hour (paid for 8) days, I don't deal with parents or administrators, I don't take my work home with me... this job suits me perfectly.
But the other people in my job treat it as a stepping stone and they are in the process of getting their teaching licenses... I feel like a peon, or a nobody. I have a Bachelor's Degree (and an Associate's Degree)... I'm not some random bum they picked off the street (no offense to bums)
Why am I self loathing? Because of what could have been? I NEED to trust my body, and my body told me to get the fuck out of student teaching. And even as self-loathing as I am right now, this is 1/10 of how horrid I felt back in the fall.
Someone tell me to snap out of it! I LOVE my job!
Why am I beating myself up? I quit student teaching in November because I was physically ill and mentally ill over it. I was fucking miserable! Now I have a great job, with great coworkers, decent hourly pay, and great kids to work with. I have a house, a husband, and a running car... what else could I want? I get to have fun with kids 5 days a week and not have 12 hour (paid for 8) days, I don't deal with parents or administrators, I don't take my work home with me... this job suits me perfectly.
But the other people in my job treat it as a stepping stone and they are in the process of getting their teaching licenses... I feel like a peon, or a nobody. I have a Bachelor's Degree (and an Associate's Degree)... I'm not some random bum they picked off the street (no offense to bums)
Why am I self loathing? Because of what could have been? I NEED to trust my body, and my body told me to get the fuck out of student teaching. And even as self-loathing as I am right now, this is 1/10 of how horrid I felt back in the fall.
Someone tell me to snap out of it! I LOVE my job!
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Is quitting my go to?
3 min read
I'm just feeling so damned unsure, and some damned. I quit student teaching. (Now I feel the NEED to explain myself) I quit because I truly felt that if I'd rather not wake up than wake up and return to student teaching. I've been doing this for awhile, and I hated Fridays because it meant Monday was right around the corner. Every morning I would dry heave. I can't tell you if it was the teacher I worked with (although she could be passive aggressive and condescending... she had me take notes on how she taught so I could teach just like her) She had been teaching for 25 years. I realize that having a mentor is ideal, but being watched... seriously made me lose any confidence I may have had. I would have given anything to have one of those experiences where the teacher spends the day in the lounge and tells me what to teach.
It wasn't the students, although they were young (first grade) I can honestly say that not one of them made me want to quit working (or living for that matter). The workload was overwhelming, and I knew going in that teaching is not a 9-5 job. But I would be there from 7 am to 6 pm and have more to look at when I got home, and I don't mind correcting papers or anything at home, but at the end of the day I want to eat my dinner with my husband, Netflix and chill, and emotionally prepare for the next day (That makes me sound like an unrealistic, asshole doesn't it?) Every time my teacher told me "next week you will do this" my head went OH SHIT and what is that? How will I do that?
The entire time I was there I kept feeling like I need to be a Paraprofessional (which I was for three years). I work so much better one on one or with small groups. But, I figured I wanted more. More money, more respect, more influence.... etc. I thought I'd be a great teacher. I was told that I would be.
Now I am graduating with my Bachelor's in Elective Studies (liberal/fine arts) and I worry about finding a job. I also worry about how my classmates had it in them to continue and will graduate and I should have been one of them.
Would it have gotten better? Or would I be deeper in depression and in the ground?
I was so relieved when they told me I could quit and now I feel like I jumped the shark by jumping ship
I wonder if I am a habitual quitter because I gave up on a university 5 days in in 2009. I quit comedy in 2012 (which I miss) because of 1 person telling me that I wasn't funny. Now I quit student teaching. Is this a pattern?
It wasn't the students, although they were young (first grade) I can honestly say that not one of them made me want to quit working (or living for that matter). The workload was overwhelming, and I knew going in that teaching is not a 9-5 job. But I would be there from 7 am to 6 pm and have more to look at when I got home, and I don't mind correcting papers or anything at home, but at the end of the day I want to eat my dinner with my husband, Netflix and chill, and emotionally prepare for the next day (That makes me sound like an unrealistic, asshole doesn't it?) Every time my teacher told me "next week you will do this" my head went OH SHIT and what is that? How will I do that?
The entire time I was there I kept feeling like I need to be a Paraprofessional (which I was for three years). I work so much better one on one or with small groups. But, I figured I wanted more. More money, more respect, more influence.... etc. I thought I'd be a great teacher. I was told that I would be.
Now I am graduating with my Bachelor's in Elective Studies (liberal/fine arts) and I worry about finding a job. I also worry about how my classmates had it in them to continue and will graduate and I should have been one of them.
Would it have gotten better? Or would I be deeper in depression and in the ground?
I was so relieved when they told me I could quit and now I feel like I jumped the shark by jumping ship
I wonder if I am a habitual quitter because I gave up on a university 5 days in in 2009. I quit comedy in 2012 (which I miss) because of 1 person telling me that I wasn't funny. Now I quit student teaching. Is this a pattern?
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Just Some Friendly Advice Would Be Nice
4 min read
To my loyal, loving, creative friends here on Deviantart. I have some minor drama going on and I want to see what you guys have to say about it.
Ok, so I have this friend, I will call her Robyn. Robyn and I were super dooper close like from 2010-2012. Then I met my fiance, she was with a guy at the time as well, and we just drifted apart. I became close with her sister who I will call Molly, because Molly and I have a lot more in common and we just have the same intellectual capacity. Whereas Robyn constantly mixes up the to, two, and toos. She also says "well I was talking to this guy and I says..." I says... really? That is not the only reason she bugs me. She used me when I lived in ___insert town here__________________ for money, always wanted me to come over, hated coming to my place because there was "nothing" to do... yet where ever we are I will ask what she wants to do, or I will suggest something like watching "Sex and the City" (which we both love) and she will just say, "I don't know" every single time! So getting together with her isn't exactly fun anymore. And now that I live in a different city about an hour away the only time she calls me is when she wants my fiance to fix her technology "he is a computer IT fix it type guy" or like last weekend before she came up here... she asked me for money. And she asked... via text. Here is the other thing, she claims she needs stuff. NO. She wants it. She needs new earrings because her current ones turn green... WHO NEEDS EARRINGS? She needs to buy furniture and cutlery... yet she lives at home with her mother... No need for any apartment stuff because she does NOT have an apartment to put it in!
To wrap it up, it is hard to carry on a phone conversation with her anymore. Here are the phone dialogues between Robyn and myself... Robyn: Hey what's up? Me: Not much, been pretty busy with school. Anything new with you? Robyn: Not really. Me: How is the weather there? Robyn: It's rainy.... Me: Here too. What are you having for supper? Robyn: mashed potatoes and pork chops. Me: Oh yummy! We are just going to go out to Taco Bell. Me: Well I gotta go, talk to you soon. Love you
Robyn: love you too CLICK
I know most of you are thinking... end it end it end it NOW!!! But, what keeps me attached is that when I was kicked out of my parents' home, I had no where to go. Robyn and her family found me a place and had me over for dinner often. When I had a bad date Molly drove over in her nightgown and brought me back to their place (I had been drinking so I couldn't drive myself). One of the hardest times of my life I had Robyn to lean on and love me and laugh with me. They were my roadies during my Comedian days... and then there is my "Nephew" (we aren't related but he calls me Uncle because I saw him so much) I read to him and play with him because his mother won't and now she has another baby boy to ignore. He is three and his little brother is less than a year old. They are Robyn's brother's kids. They all live in one double wide trailer home (no judgement, just to give you a visual) So that is a mom, Robyn, Molly, Their brother, his wife/shitty mother to his kids, and the two boys. that home is a place I dread going because I end up a free babysitter and I was invited by Robyn who basically ignores me and has no clue what she wants to do.
I want to stay friends with Molly and it kills me that if I end the friendship with Robyn my nephew will miss me more than he already does (I see him around holidays) and how can I turn my back on these people when they were there for me when my own family wasn't.
What do I do?
Ok, so I have this friend, I will call her Robyn. Robyn and I were super dooper close like from 2010-2012. Then I met my fiance, she was with a guy at the time as well, and we just drifted apart. I became close with her sister who I will call Molly, because Molly and I have a lot more in common and we just have the same intellectual capacity. Whereas Robyn constantly mixes up the to, two, and toos. She also says "well I was talking to this guy and I says..." I says... really? That is not the only reason she bugs me. She used me when I lived in ___insert town here__________________ for money, always wanted me to come over, hated coming to my place because there was "nothing" to do... yet where ever we are I will ask what she wants to do, or I will suggest something like watching "Sex and the City" (which we both love) and she will just say, "I don't know" every single time! So getting together with her isn't exactly fun anymore. And now that I live in a different city about an hour away the only time she calls me is when she wants my fiance to fix her technology "he is a computer IT fix it type guy" or like last weekend before she came up here... she asked me for money. And she asked... via text. Here is the other thing, she claims she needs stuff. NO. She wants it. She needs new earrings because her current ones turn green... WHO NEEDS EARRINGS? She needs to buy furniture and cutlery... yet she lives at home with her mother... No need for any apartment stuff because she does NOT have an apartment to put it in!
To wrap it up, it is hard to carry on a phone conversation with her anymore. Here are the phone dialogues between Robyn and myself... Robyn: Hey what's up? Me: Not much, been pretty busy with school. Anything new with you? Robyn: Not really. Me: How is the weather there? Robyn: It's rainy.... Me: Here too. What are you having for supper? Robyn: mashed potatoes and pork chops. Me: Oh yummy! We are just going to go out to Taco Bell. Me: Well I gotta go, talk to you soon. Love you
Robyn: love you too CLICK
I know most of you are thinking... end it end it end it NOW!!! But, what keeps me attached is that when I was kicked out of my parents' home, I had no where to go. Robyn and her family found me a place and had me over for dinner often. When I had a bad date Molly drove over in her nightgown and brought me back to their place (I had been drinking so I couldn't drive myself). One of the hardest times of my life I had Robyn to lean on and love me and laugh with me. They were my roadies during my Comedian days... and then there is my "Nephew" (we aren't related but he calls me Uncle because I saw him so much) I read to him and play with him because his mother won't and now she has another baby boy to ignore. He is three and his little brother is less than a year old. They are Robyn's brother's kids. They all live in one double wide trailer home (no judgement, just to give you a visual) So that is a mom, Robyn, Molly, Their brother, his wife/shitty mother to his kids, and the two boys. that home is a place I dread going because I end up a free babysitter and I was invited by Robyn who basically ignores me and has no clue what she wants to do.
I want to stay friends with Molly and it kills me that if I end the friendship with Robyn my nephew will miss me more than he already does (I see him around holidays) and how can I turn my back on these people when they were there for me when my own family wasn't.
What do I do?
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A much needed journal entry
3 min read
Oh how I missed journal writing. A place to try to be witty, and emotionally unconditional.
I moved in with my boyfriend, Jake on June 1st. We have been together for one year now. I quit my job because to commute from my new residence would mean traveling 160 miles per day. 5 days a week. With gas creeping towards $4 a gallon and MN winters, there was no way in hell I would do that. I was there for three years. I loved it. I was a paraprofessional and I helped kids all over the elementary school. I get teary-eyed even writing this. I cried the last day of school... the kids all gave me hand written notes and told me they loved me and I felt like I made a real difference.
Now I am unemployed.
Now I am in a foreign territory.
Just an hour ago I was almost ran off the road and had to turn into a business in order to escape uncertain consequences of someone else's reckless driving.
Just last week I got lost on the way home from the grocery store, which is 2 miles from here. And I hit an electric box and have paint marks on my car. I thought I lost my phone, my gps was being a bitch, and I know no one in this town... I found my phone wedged between the seats. Drove to a whole different town and wound up at the gay bar I know... and racked up a $25 tab.
The town I lived in before this was... well the town God forgot about, but at least when I left my car keys IN THE CAR DOOR, OUTSIDE THE VEHICLE, FOR 2 DAYS, NO ONE STOLE IT. I felt safe there. Here I feel like a prisoner, unable to leave for fear of getting lost, or run off the road. How can I expect to make a living to afford this more expensive apartment? How can I live with myself as recluse, with no purpose other than to sleep and work out because at just over 100 lbs I feel FAT.
One could say, "at least you have your boyfriend". Well he calls me a "dur der dur" which is a slang term for retard.. He means it in a sarcastic way, but it bugs me, and sometimes we physically fight about it and since he knows Karate and weighs about twice what I do, I get my ass handed to me constantly. He doesn't mean it, I take responsibility for it, I am not abused, we just rough house. But the point is, when he constantly berates me, even when I mention my self esteem... he doesn't give a shit. I am alone, and I have no purpose.
Now back to my tequila shots. Oh and I have no lime/lemon
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Dead Horse Crosses the (finish) Line
2 min read
So, as I am sure I have mentioned before, my friendship with Niomi as I will refer to her... has been less than stellar over the last few years. She stopped calling, texting, and she even deleted me as a friend on Facebook. I thought that was cold.
Well today, I found a picture/meme or whatever that said, "I know we haven't talked in awhile but I know we can always count on one another" and I sent it to her.
No I admit I kinda sent it to be funny... like eat that bitch. But I also meant the sentiment behind it.
I sent it an hour ago
She blocked me since then.
So, I was not invited to her wedding. Cut out of her life... why, so she could become some Stepford wife? I mean the dude she married hates me... he was always the one canceling plans that we had to meet up. And he would go through her phone and if I texted her... he'd lose it, especially when I'd call her babe. Lest we not forget... I'm GAY... no threat here...
I hate how much she has changed. I have been Regayed... which means replaced by another gay (I made it up). And it's as if I was never in her life. I was there through so much. I opened up her up... and she was so good for me to vent to and laugh with.
I don't get it.
But, this just means less guilt if I talk about her in the act
YES, I am starting up comedy again after 16 months... I gave it up. I had a show where everyone, myself included bombed and the other comics were cold to me and I thought I couldn't do it. But, I miss it, and now I want to look at it as a hobby and not so much a vocation, but if I do become a sensation... I wouldn't mind
The show must go on!
Well today, I found a picture/meme or whatever that said, "I know we haven't talked in awhile but I know we can always count on one another" and I sent it to her.
No I admit I kinda sent it to be funny... like eat that bitch. But I also meant the sentiment behind it.
I sent it an hour ago
She blocked me since then.
So, I was not invited to her wedding. Cut out of her life... why, so she could become some Stepford wife? I mean the dude she married hates me... he was always the one canceling plans that we had to meet up. And he would go through her phone and if I texted her... he'd lose it, especially when I'd call her babe. Lest we not forget... I'm GAY... no threat here...
I hate how much she has changed. I have been Regayed... which means replaced by another gay (I made it up). And it's as if I was never in her life. I was there through so much. I opened up her up... and she was so good for me to vent to and laugh with.
I don't get it.
But, this just means less guilt if I talk about her in the act
YES, I am starting up comedy again after 16 months... I gave it up. I had a show where everyone, myself included bombed and the other comics were cold to me and I thought I couldn't do it. But, I miss it, and now I want to look at it as a hobby and not so much a vocation, but if I do become a sensation... I wouldn't mind
The show must go on!
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