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About Deviant Artist As well as a pseudo-intellectualMale/United States Recent Activity
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Literature
An Apparent Apology
How many apologies can one offer themself in a lifetime?
Why bother when the mistakes will continue to be made?
When the apology won't be accepted
No matter how well it was said
No good can come from mentioning good intent
But I begin where I cannot move
I apologize for giving in, giving up
I thought I had it all worked out
I could get my license and teach with the rest of them
My peers,
I loved talking shop with you
I still do
But, it's only window shopping for me
To my "mentor", I apologize profusely  
For not being what you expected me to be
I was a waste of breath unless I was your carbon copy
From day one you smelled blood in the water
I'm sorry I allowed your shoe to drop when I had nothing to offer
Damn, I wish I could go back
I can't afford to return
I can't keep my bank account at bare bones
I got to the pitstop and made it a dead end
I'm sorry to my husband
You, bare the brunt of my fatigue
I'm lazy and unclean
I'm petrified to cook
I'm sorry I failed you
I'm sorry my ph
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 1 8
Literature
Journey Inward
Climbing the mountain
Sometimes it's bumpy, or covered in ice
There is another mountain you'll need to climb in time
Should you fall and perish would the end result be better somehow? Lesser somehow?
Or meaningless?
We all have these dealt hands
In a game of solitaire
No one overseeing who does and who doesn't play fair
Having all four aces won't matter in this game
So you cut the corners to fit the square peg in the round hole
A chagrin in lieu of a smile to appease propriety
Hating your existence in all its entirety
Keep the doors closed on your class house
From the castle walls the latrine looks becoming
The nomad is craving a vacation
See the sheep follow the Shepard without hesitation?
When a friend asks you to jump off of a bridge do you dare him to do it first?
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 1 0
Literature
Win the Game Before The Rules Change
You don't smile all the time
You're troubled
You don't fit in with the other kids
You're shy
You are labeled within an inch of your life
Give them an inch they take a mile
You took a step and stumbled, but your pace resumed
Just to spite the jerk that tripped you
You fell, but got up again
They saw the crutches you needed
You crawled, but kept on moving
Some took pity on you, others didn't see you at all
As if you weren't used to the latter
You were thrown into a match
Without being asked
Front row seats filled with the aloof
From out of view the rest all boo
You can never win
They kept the best cards for themselves
You can never win if you don't play
We all end in the same place
How long do you have to sit on the go space?
Would you rather be able to fly high and let God knows what come your way?
Or be safe from the cat in your little cage?
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 1 3
Literature
This One is for you, Mom. You deserve it
Today is a day to acknowledge your achievements
But I am in a state of bereavement
For the mother I never had
For the overly-compliant dad
To the mother I never thought I'd need
To the mother that abandoned me
Hush little baby, don't say a word
about the abuse you endured
I skinned my knee, no skin off your ass
Cut to the bone from the thrown stone in our house of glass
You forgot every bruise, I bear every scar
I loved you like a country loves their czar
I hate you, I hate you so much
But I don't carry a grudge
I carry a reminder to be a better person than you could ever be
Your wolf in sheep skin costume speaks well of your shell as a human being
My father the would be warden
Could't see the trees throughout the forest
He did what was asked by you
He always came through
His hand to my face
He banished me from the place
His relationship with me thin as a ghost
I empty the bottle before I can give you a toast
My outlook on life, like a cat thrown from the [window] sill
I feel like the
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 1 0
Literature
Fool's Proof
A false sense of security
A deep wound undertaken as thirsty
Despair misguided toward debauchery
Pour me another, my soul is empty
With you I am empty of feeling as of now;
Full of remorse tomorrow, reoccurring doubt
The truth comes out overshadowed by vulgarity
Spewed forth on the back of solitary
You make me feel pseudo confident
Fearless; there are no consequences
I hate myself and you hate me too
I part with the cork and drop the other shoe
My insides on the out
Whispers encumbered by shouts
Friends annoyed and concerned
I’m embarrassed of what I cannot learn
The message in each bottle sounds like a siren song
Religiously favored poison presented as a God
Do I hit you as hard as you do me?
Solutions displaced, your grasp within reach
You on the top shelf, I on the bottom rung
Your power laden upon my tongue
I proclaim that I am not addicted and that I have a handle on you
You and I both know that this isn’t true
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 0 3
Literature
Tick Tock
As I lay me down to sleep,
Mind playing chess with me
Up to this point pointing out my flaws
keeping in time with the clock
Quit-er
Fail-ure
Broken-down
Distant-friends
Soli-tude
Path-etic
Help-less
Worth-less
Pur-pose
Regret-ful
Eyes shut
Behind the wheel
I need to see where I'm going
But I don't like what I see
I'm tired, but I cannot sleep
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 1 5
Literature
Dashing Dreams
I left because I thought it was right
Now I'm unsure
How could familiar territory feel so impossible to navigate?
Did I throw my life away by wanting to be saved?
Unable to pinpoint where the pins and needles began
Resisting the urge to vomit and cry at the same time
Feeling empty and useless
Lost and habitually wrong
I had no clue how my incapacities both physical and emotional were so intertwined
Unsure if I am more upset by what could have been, or by what I left behind
I had come so far
I was so close to the finish line
But the thought of taking one more step made me fall into a deep depression
You can call me a quitter,
and try to soften the blow by saying I'm not the only one
You can water the flower everyday knowing it will wither,
And watch yourself fall apart as it does
Should I feel thankful that I figured it out now,
Or like I failure because I stopped in the middle of the road?
If I had listened to naysayers would I have never traveled at all?
What exactly did I have to pro
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 1 0
Literature
Vows
As a wordsmith I find myself speechless
The thought of vows makes me think of promises
There-after recalling how in life there are few guarantees
I guarantee that we will have
Our doubts and downfalls
There will be misunderstandings, mistakes, and misfortune
As well as fights and failure
I am not a maid, I am not a chef nor am I a finance guru
But, I vow to be Faithful, Unconditional
And to work with every fiber in my being to maintain the relationship we share
The home we will build together can be rebuilt remodeled and restored
Just as our love shall remain reciprocal
Our love is Internal, External, Eternal
Upholding Upmost Ubiquity
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 0 8
Literature
Open Letter to God
Dear God,
What makes me ugly? For they tell me so
What makes me, me? I truly do not know
What makes you so sure I can handle this pain? That you send my way
Why was I born?
Why is it when things seem content, I want more?
Why do I fear life, and underestimate death?
How can I distinguish between enablers and friends?
How can I keep my head held high, when life keeps pulling me down?
Who can I talk to about what I am feeling; when no one wants me around
Why do I try to please other people when looking in the mirror?
Why is that when I am around a large group of people, I just want to disappear
I'm sorry to question the so called almighty
But I have nothing to lose by writing
I ask you to end the pain; however you see fit
Otherwise the next letter I write will be to tell those above me that I quit
Forever yours,
The dreams behind locked doors
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 0 0
Literature
Invisible Clouds
Yesterday I cried
Today I was born
Tomorrow I will die
If I shout out my thoughts now
My pride will hide away, my shame will be omnipotent
Once I fall on my face embarrassment will perpetuate the pain
The bottle and I have a love hate relationship
I love how it makes me feel and forget
I hate when it is empty and my pockets run dry
When I am at my loneliest moment we are together yet
I'm so ugly how can I go on
Starring at the sun hurts my eyes
I am ignored, they are loved
Society and I have a love hate relationship that is much easier to spot
Starring at the sun hurts my eyes
Yesterday I cried
If I shout out my thoughts now,
I am ignored, they are loved
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 3 0
Literature
Outward Embodiment
My bones scream to get out
My soul is caving under pressure
You think it'd be the other way around?
Fingers intertwined or twiddling
Fingers crossed as a barrier for the mind's inner-working
Skinned knees
Calloused feet
Heart beating to keep it all going smoothly
Mind moving but not moved
Who are we fooling?
We maintain an outer shell
To hold in the epitome of hell
Whether perfect as a temple
or wilted like a flower's petals
We want more out of life
than to get out alive
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 1 1
Literature
Emotional Inquiries
How many emotions can a person feel at once?
How long does it take to really heal?
What does true happiness feel like?
What do you need to do to find it?
How many tears can one person shed?
Everything will be fine in just how many breaths?
What did I get myself into?
Where do I go from here?
When will the shock take?
When will the shock dissipate?
When will despair no longer be there?
Why is despondence my response?
How could I give up everything, and get all this in return?
When will I learn?
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 0 1
Literature
True Colors
We are not sure of ourselves
We know not that we are in this together
We are not our vocations, relatives, or underlying causes of torment
Our fear and its consequences to not warrant
People are not numbers
Bodies are not indefinite but definitely vulnerable
Spirit is not religion or its devotion
Voices in unison are not words spoken
Sin is not a one-way ticket to hell
Prayer is not a promise of salvation
Money is not your friend
Death is not the end
All these things compose a picture
Is it big enough for you to see?
We will be known long after the paint starts to fade
Take your timid hand, and pick up your paints
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 1 0
Literature
BreadCrumbs
You took my self-esteem and caused it to snap
You took my independence and made it bend
You took my hand and wrapped it in yours
This was only the eye of the storm
You made my intelligence a joke
You took my weakness and made it your strength
You threw words at me like daggers
then laughed like a hyena on the hunt
You had your finger on the trigger before I put on my glove
My fear, blood in the water
I try to keep you off me, with the embrace of a shower
I have to lock the door so you can't get in
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 1 1
Literature
I Say To You As I Would Myself
I say love as you be
I believe live and leave well enough alone
I communicate to the masses without repeating
But you, what do you do?
You enjoy free food on my bill, the booze in my kitchen cabinet
You laugh at my jokes
You say you believe in me
And what I preach
But where are you when I feel alone?
Why should being by yourself mean you are alone?
When does me not equal complete?
When does we turn into the norm?
Why does the music slow when we draw closer?
Why does it stop when I look at the world?
Why do I need you?
Why doesn't it feel like I'm being used at the time?
Why do I let someone else belittle everything I said in principle?
What really matters is nothing short of a good footing
So clip my wings
I can still wave as I walk away
Call me every name in the book
but forget you knew my name in the first place
I will remember
I will make mistakes still
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 0 0
Literature
Minced Verbs
Force myself to get up
Brace myself for the day ahead
Stitch a smile upon my face
Hold back the tears I want to shed
Drag me through hell
Cut me down
Falling through the cracks
Watching me drown
Hurl your insults
Twist the daggers you stare
When you are in the dark place
Screaming to get out of there
The walls close in
I'm fine is all you will say
No one will listen
They can't do anything
The damage is done
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:meredithbrooksrulez 0 0

Favourites

The Mourning Steed :icondondfig:Dondfig 3 2
Literature
...And Then I Wake Up
Morgan wasn't sleeping, not quite.  He was dozing, maybe, with music playing in his ears and an image in his head.  It wasn't entirely formed: a smile, a brush of the fingers, a warm embrace…a soft kiss.  He was being held by another boy – a man.  He was certainly larger than Morgan.  Broad shoulders and large hands that would protect.
A breeze blew in through Morgan's window.  The warm air caressed his ears like a puff of breath and he shivered.  He imagined the air as words filled with love and kindness.
Rolling onto his side, Morgan lightly ran his fingers along the smooth fabric of his pillowcase.  Another head would rest there, facing him.  He would reach out to touch the man's cheek.  Warm and maybe there would be some pleasantly rough stubble.
Deep blue eyes would fall shut and in the sturdy arms of the man, Morgan would drift off.  If there were ever nightmare
:iconQuillQuest:QuillQuest
:iconquillquest:QuillQuest 1 2
Elf woman, released arrow. Full scene :iconvilenchik:Vilenchik 352 91 THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN :iconpirate-cashoo:Pirate-Cashoo 3,527 359 5 More Daaays :iconsmemirly:smemirly 1 2 Homework Assignment 3 :iconinnocent-rebel:innocent-rebel 7 19 On The Hunt :icondarkdex52:darkdex52 9,059 1,312 Happy Bday :iconhowlingglory:howlingglory 1 2 Christmas Present :iconporkydoll:Porkydoll 7 16 Wonder Cat :icondarkthewise:darkthewise 500 166 Commission: Women and Weapons :iconinnocent-rebel:innocent-rebel 9 4
Literature
tobacco.
not afraid of the dark
I'm afraid of the lighter
I'm sick of all this smoke
but "those cigarettes won't smoke themselves", right?
ok, I am afraid of the dark
it reminds me of you being afraid,
of you being sick of
me making our memories vanish in a puff of smoke
:iconunchallenged-yo:unchallenged-yo
:iconunchallenged-yo:unchallenged-yo 1 1
Literature
after all of that
You were my last string,
My own personal life ring.
You do know right, that without you,
I wouldn't have been able to see my life through?
That without our friendship I wouldn't be alive?
You were the one who taught me how to survive,
And now you've broken off all ties.
Can't you see the tears pouring out of my eyes?
Do you remember that night,
When you left me alone to our battle to fight?
Do you even have any idea what happened?
How much my life has been blackened?
While you were able to hide yourself at home,
I had to go face life changing dangers alone.
They screeched at me,
Drowning me like the sea.
All night and through the next week.
The pain shot through me with each harsh critique.
That night will never leave,
And that's something I'm sure you don't believe.
But that's because you didn't have it hard,
Unlike you- that night left me scarred.
:iconkokakoka123:kokakoka123
:iconkokakoka123:kokakoka123 1 11
Unicorn :iconwafflesandsyrup22:wafflesandsyrup22 8 15

Activity


How many apologies can one offer themself in a lifetime?
Why bother when the mistakes will continue to be made?
When the apology won't be accepted
No matter how well it was said
No good can come from mentioning good intent

But I begin where I cannot move
I apologize for giving in, giving up
I thought I had it all worked out
I could get my license and teach with the rest of them
My peers,
I loved talking shop with you
I still do
But, it's only window shopping for me

To my "mentor", I apologize profusely  
For not being what you expected me to be
I was a waste of breath unless I was your carbon copy
From day one you smelled blood in the water
I'm sorry I allowed your shoe to drop when I had nothing to offer

Damn, I wish I could go back
I can't afford to return
I can't keep my bank account at bare bones
I got to the pitstop and made it a dead end

I'm sorry to my husband
You, bare the brunt of my fatigue
I'm lazy and unclean
I'm petrified to cook
I'm sorry I failed you

I'm sorry my physical disability is too much for you
So much so you cut the cord on having children with me
Biologically
Again, I'm unable to leave any kind of legacy
When I quit student teaching it was all written off as a product of my physicality
Or lack there of
Do I mean the physicality or the product?

To my "mentor" god, I can't forget you
I know I looked good on paper
The eraser tears right through

I'm sorry that I cannot feel grateful over my supposed shortcomings

I mean, I have a college degree
Married at 25
I have my dream car that I love to drive
I co-own a home
My husband flips the bills
Insurance covers my depression and acid reflux (where do I get that from??) pills

I hate my mother and always will
Dirty laundry won't get clean on the line
My shelf of baggage will topple in time

I'm sorry for the flaundering
What ifs in my blood
and the ominent why dids in my closet
I go to bed to escape my former dreams
I measure my merit in how much I can lift
I value how much I can keep off the scale

Good God I love to make others laugh
But the stage isn't a place for me
Where is? Again...I don't know
I'm sorry
An Apparent Apology
I just wrote everything I felt, without holding back. Without trying to rhyme, and without apology. 
Loading...
Climbing the mountain
Sometimes it's bumpy, or covered in ice
There is another mountain you'll need to climb in time
Should you fall and perish would the end result be better somehow? Lesser somehow?
Or meaningless?

We all have these dealt hands
In a game of solitaire
No one overseeing who does and who doesn't play fair
Having all four aces won't matter in this game

So you cut the corners to fit the square peg in the round hole
A chagrin in lieu of a smile to appease propriety
Hating your existence in all its entirety
Keep the doors closed on your class house

From the castle walls the latrine looks becoming
The nomad is craving a vacation
See the sheep follow the Shepard without hesitation?
When a friend asks you to jump off of a bridge do you dare him to do it first?
You don't smile all the time

You're troubled
You don't fit in with the other kids

You're shy

You are labeled within an inch of your life
Give them an inch they take a mile

You took a step and stumbled, but your pace resumed
Just to spite the jerk that tripped you

You fell, but got up again
They saw the crutches you needed

You crawled, but kept on moving
Some took pity on you, others didn't see you at all
As if you weren't used to the latter

You were thrown into a match
Without being asked
Front row seats filled with the aloof
From out of view the rest all boo

You can never win
They kept the best cards for themselves
You can never win if you don't play
We all end in the same place
How long do you have to sit on the go space?

Would you rather be able to fly high and let God knows what come your way?
Or be safe from the cat in your little cage?
Win the Game Before The Rules Change
I was just feeling inspired, so I wrote what I thought. I hope you get something out of it. Remember, you have a purpose! 
Loading...
Today is a day to acknowledge your achievements
But I am in a state of bereavement
For the mother I never had
For the overly-compliant dad
To the mother I never thought I'd need
To the mother that abandoned me

Hush little baby, don't say a word
about the abuse you endured

I skinned my knee, no skin off your ass
Cut to the bone from the thrown stone in our house of glass
You forgot every bruise, I bear every scar
I loved you like a country loves their czar

I hate you, I hate you so much
But I don't carry a grudge
I carry a reminder to be a better person than you could ever be
Your wolf in sheep skin costume speaks well of your shell as a human being

My father the would be warden
Could't see the trees throughout the forest
He did what was asked by you
He always came through
His hand to my face
He banished me from the place
His relationship with me thin as a ghost
I empty the bottle before I can give you a toast

My outlook on life, like a cat thrown from the [window] sill
I feel like the mouse that for you I killed
Will you let me out?
Do you love me now?
Smile wide as you put me down

Mom, Could U Not Talk
As if you'd listen when I tell you to stop
Guys. Only three more days of student teaching... not for me,  but for my former classmates. I need someone to slap me and shake me and knock sense into me!
Why am I beating myself up? I quit student teaching in November because I was physically ill and mentally ill over it. I was fucking miserable! Now I have a great job, with great coworkers, decent hourly pay, and great kids to work with. I have a house, a husband, and a running car... what else could I want? I get to have fun with kids 5 days a week and not have 12 hour (paid for 8) days, I don't deal with parents or administrators, I don't take my work home with me... this job suits me perfectly.

But the other people in my job treat it as a stepping stone and they are in the process of getting their teaching licenses... I feel like a peon, or a nobody. I have a Bachelor's Degree (and an Associate's Degree)... I'm not some random bum they picked off the street (no offense to bums) 

Why am I self loathing? Because of what could have been? I NEED to trust my body, and my body told me to get the fuck out of student teaching. And even as self-loathing as I am right now, this is 1/10 of how horrid I felt back in the fall.

Someone tell me to snap out of it! I LOVE my job! 

deviantID

meredithbrooksrulez
As well as a pseudo-intellectual
Artist
United States
Current Residence: life
Favourite genre of music: pop ,a tit bit of country, and oldies
Favourite photographer: I think pictures steal your soul, if they don't get you the vanity will
Favourite style of art: poetry
MP3 player of choice: I have a gpx
Shell of choice: taco
Wallpaper of choice: naked people doing unexplainable things, or sad clowns
Skin of choice: dead and peely
Favourite cartoon character: sonya blade,daria, the cast of home movies
Personal Quote: Be who you are! Even if it kills you ( which it might)
Interests
Guys. Only three more days of student teaching... not for me,  but for my former classmates. I need someone to slap me and shake me and knock sense into me!
Why am I beating myself up? I quit student teaching in November because I was physically ill and mentally ill over it. I was fucking miserable! Now I have a great job, with great coworkers, decent hourly pay, and great kids to work with. I have a house, a husband, and a running car... what else could I want? I get to have fun with kids 5 days a week and not have 12 hour (paid for 8) days, I don't deal with parents or administrators, I don't take my work home with me... this job suits me perfectly.

But the other people in my job treat it as a stepping stone and they are in the process of getting their teaching licenses... I feel like a peon, or a nobody. I have a Bachelor's Degree (and an Associate's Degree)... I'm not some random bum they picked off the street (no offense to bums) 

Why am I self loathing? Because of what could have been? I NEED to trust my body, and my body told me to get the fuck out of student teaching. And even as self-loathing as I am right now, this is 1/10 of how horrid I felt back in the fall.

Someone tell me to snap out of it! I LOVE my job! 

Journal History

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconchiefeagle02:
chiefeagle02 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
:ahoy:
Reply
:iconnicoleyang:
NicoleYang Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2011
I tag you! You answer my 10 questions and then you get to make up 10 different questions of your own, tag 10 other people with that and they do the same. (ignore this tag, if you do not want to do it, but you may still answer the questions)

1. Do you have a religion? Or were you born into a Christian/Catholic/Atheist/Other family and raised to believe that? If yes, would you say you are a religious person? Like, how often do you pray? Go to church?

2. How do you feel about the way you are living right now?

3. What do you want to do with your life?

4. What is your opinion about yourself?

5. What is your style of clothes you wear right now? Or just say what you wear on a daily basis.

6. Have you ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend before? If yes, how many? Were you serious with any of them?

7. How many of all your friends in your life would you say are actually really one of your best friends?

8. Are you close with any of your family members, in which you all are comfortable to talk about your problems with eachother and come crying to another family member for comfort? If yes, who(m)?

9. What do you do everyday that is fun for you?

10. What bores you?
Reply
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:
meredithbrooksrulez Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2012
would you still like me to respond to these?
Reply
:iconnicoleyang:
NicoleYang Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2012
naw. xD but when you're bored, u can, if u like.
Reply
:iconnorthonthedial12:
NorthOnTheDial12 Featured By Owner May 21, 2011
If you're a guy, damn, you need a serious injection of masculinity bud.
Reply
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:
meredithbrooksrulez Featured By Owner May 25, 2011
Do you have a compulsive need to go on other people's pages and point out any flaws? I respect criticism but that comment was unnecessary and immature.
Reply
:iconnorthonthedial12:
NorthOnTheDial12 Featured By Owner May 26, 2011
nah, im soooooooooooooo sssurrryyy. didn't mean to pinch and twist your overly sensitive nerves to the point of causing you extremem distress.

Nah its okay. pass your self off as a teenage female if you want. guess its your choice.
Reply
:iconscholarwarrior-lad:
scholarwarrior-lad Featured By Owner May 9, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Yo!
Reply
:iconmoondrisa:
Moondrisa Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2011
happy new year!
Reply
:iconmeredithbrooksrulez:
meredithbrooksrulez Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2011
Thank you, how has your year been so far?
Reply
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